Love Shouldn’t be a Homework assignment
I have tried to get to the root of why my hubby’s addiction has been so traumatic. I mean, I know why, it’s kind of obvious, but what is it about the betrayal that hurts me, personally? I have been praying and asking God to help me sort out my feelings. My therapist has helped me see that when we can name the pain, we have power over it. It took me a while to believe that, but I think I’m on board with that philosophy. I’ve been able to name a piece of this heartbreak.
In a quiet moment of pondering I finally had this thought come to me to help me understand my pain: Exercising love for me shouldn’t be such an exercise. I want his love for me to come easily; I don’t want it to be a homework assignment. That’s why this has crushed my heart. I don’t want it to be such hard work to only have eyes for me. I want it to be easy to avoid lust because at home he has love. After all, that has been my experience and it crushed me to learn that was not his experience.
When I shared these ground-breaking thoughts with my husband he quickly said, “It’s always been easy to love you.” To which I said “Actions speak louder than words.” Acting out on his addiction, coupled with lies, for twenty years showed hatred towards me. Hatred and disrespect.
Years ago I heard Paul Newman explain why he never cheated on his wife. “Why go out for hamburger when I have steak at home?” Despite the metaphor using meat, it’s beautiful. Mr. Newman got it and I want my husband to get it. I want it to be easy to turn away from lust because he has love at home. Maybe someday it will come easy for him.